Are you in a relationship to fulfill your feeling of fear, of loneliness, of emptiness? Are you in it to fill your need for approval or to be accepted? To be liked or to feel in control? If so, this is an ego-based relationship. You’re in it to get something to make yourself feel better – to fulfill your ego. You are attempting to fill a void. An ego-based relationship can be summed up like this:
“What can I get from this person?”
The relationship is filled with fear, idolizing, comparing, jealousy, anger, and resentment. The judgment you cast upon someone else is really how you feel about yourself because what we project onto others we reflect back onto ourselves.
I’ve been there with a past love relationship. It was everything but love.
Anger and hate, resentment, jealousy, and insecurity come to mind.
Feeling like the world was out to get me.
Relationships like those enforce our beliefs that we are separate from our body, we’re not one. When this happens, you perceive yourself as better than or less than someone else which only increases that feeling of separation from oneness or ‘specialness.’ We deem these relationships ‘special.’ These ‘special relationship’ are not limited to your significant other. It can be your best friend, a parent, your boss or mentor.
Our ego makes these relationships ‘special’.
The ego doesn’t care what kind of relationship it can torment. The ego does not discriminate. The ego is unforgiving.
When the ego senses an attack it immediately wants to fight back, so you become defensive. Then the other person gets defensive.
It turns into a disaster.
Photo by Naomi August on Unsplash
If you stay in this pattern of attack you’re not protecting yourself from getting hurt, you’re protecting the ego.
If you cannot let past resentments go, you will carry them into new relationships, replaying the negativity from your past relationship. Maybe you were cheated on. Lied to. Back-stabbed. Told hurtful things. Used to get ahead.
But you’re still here.
You’re still breathing. No children died from what was said or done. So let it go.
Whatever hurtful thing someone did or said to you, you have to seek forgiveness. Why keep tormenting yourself and holding yourself back from happiness?
There’s no reason to!
Do you attack those in happy relationships?
Like your co-worker or friend? You tell yourself “It must be nice? I bet she’s really not that happy at home, it’s just a bluff.” When you flood your mind with these negative thoughts, what’s the chances this attack is merely a reflection of your own desire to have that type of romantic love?
The ego tries to keep us in this vicious cycle of fearful illusion.
Believe it or not, all of these negative feelings you feel are based on a lack of forgiveness.
I know it’s hard to let things go.
I’ve held onto things for years, I’ve ruined relationships, and I have (and can) be a total bitch to people because it’s hard to forgive. But when we’re unwilling to forgive we wake up feeling like a victim. We hold this hurt, this anger, this resentment close, and we replay it over and over in our mind. This only strengthens the ego.
There are many more ways the ego holds us back because of our inability to forgive. If we can just let go of our ‘have to be right’ mentality and say hello to forgiveness, we can escape these special ego relationship nightmares.
To forgive, we have to be willing to see things differently.
In A Course in Miracles, it suggests that we shouldn’t pretend nothing happened, we should acknowledge our ego’s experience and choose to perceive it with love. (hard I know)
This willingness to see things differently opens the door to forgiveness. A Course in Miracles suggests we use the affirmation “I could see peace instead of this.” Another strong affirmation is:
“I’d rather be happy than right.”
Being happy versus right is easier. Plus, when you choose to be happy you’re confirming your willingness to change, you weaken your belief in resentment.
You weaken your ego.
Choosing happiness is a full-time job. It’s by no means easy. We have more than enough daily obstacles getting in our way. If we can only choose to be happy instead of right, or happy instead of annoyance, hate, or resentment, then we can be the loving self we so desire in our relationships.
Now, I want to hear from you.
What’s one relationship that burned you? Do you carry this with you still? Are your current relationships being affected?
Leave a comment below and let me know.
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Thank you so much for reading and joining the conversation.
I’m truly grateful for your participation,
Becca